The Donald Trump Advice Column

 First, Mr. President, please pause this war for the NCAA tournament. America cannot, in good conscience, dodge work, watch television and gamble on Thursday and Friday with you and Israel attacking multiple countries. 

Speaking of Israel, Mr. President, please speak to them about what a ceasefire consists of. Israel already flattened the Gaza Strip, but they continue to attack refugee camps six months into a ceasefire. Almost a thousand of the over 70,000 people that Israel has killed have come since the ceasefire. 

While we are speaking about military terms, Mr. President, please talk to your Secretary of Defense about who wrote the rules of war after WW2 that international law abides by. Murder on the high seas with no evidence or attempt to convict; torpedoing unarmed training vessels full of cadets, killing 84 and refusing to save the rest; speaking about giving no quarter or mercy to the enemy, in clear violation of accepted laws we expect our own enemies to adhere to; participating in talks with Iran, only to bomb them, and then engage in weeks long attempts to explain your way out of the situation as Iran fights back, is a disgrace and a lot of America's top politicians should be handed over to the World Court for obvious crimes.

Mr. President, whoever told you that you could shoot people and accuse them of crimes later is going to prison soon. It doesn't matter if they're in the military, sir. If it is found that you are conducting wars by the seat of your pants, repeatedly bombing Iran despite ongoing talks both times, you too will find yourself locked away with no control over your crypto wealth or your other ill gotten billions. Insider trading will be putting your sons away for sure.

Mr. President, just go away now. You'll be impeached soon anyway. You have torched the entire Republican Party and you now have followers instead of republicans. Those left are so willing to sell their values to uphold your crypto-social media scams, nobody's showing up to prolong your majorities in the Chambers. It's all over except the cleanup, Mr. President, you have thoroughly disgraced every norm that you personally blame for your family's crimes. 

My final piece of advice, Mr. President, is you should not entertain pardoning any sex offenders. It's astonishing that anyone has to tell you this however. But what were once known as the Epstein Files, are now the MaraLago Files, since that's where all the action begins, at your club. Mr. President, you are a horrible person who has empowered others to be horrible people. It will be a lot of work, but the country will be moving on from you and you will always represent a dark chapter in our nation's history. 

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